5 powerful life hacks I’ve learned in psychotherapy
Flash back to one year ago: I was off my anxiety medication and getting into the groove of living in Los Angeles. I wasn’t taking care of myself other than getting good night’s sleep, eating regularly, and not getting quite enough exercise.
I hadn’t gone to the doctor for a check-up in a few years. So I didn’t know where anything was at. Am I overweight? Not getting enough exercise? Eating healthy? Do I have diabetes? Getting enough sleep? Ahh! How come I haven’t learned how to be an adult?!
I was a nervous wreck. I worried about everything. I have high-functioning anxiety. Any little mishap in my life pushes me into a whirlwind of uncertainty and emotions and my mind goes a mile a minute. It’s very difficult to regather and ground myself.
Then in September of 2020, I suffered my worst anxiety attack.
I lost all control — including of myself.
Fast forward to today: I sought help, something I still don’t like asking for because I don’t want to “burden” people.
I’m seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. I found a great family physician. We’re working through a few things so I can be healthier.
I feel so much better and have more control over myself and surroundings.
I’ve been seeing my therapist weekly, and now bi-weekly. The sessions have been so helpful for me, and I’ve learned a lot about myself.
It’s been enlightening to have someone to help me navigate life’s complicated adventures, especially last year because it wasn’t easy.
I’ve learned a lot with my therapist, so I want to share these valuable lessons with you.
Here are the five most impactful things I’ve learned in therapy:
1. Boundaries
Let’s go back to when we were kids for a moment (I’d give anything to be a kid again!). No bills or responsibilities. Just fun and games.
You’re playing in a sandbox (I had a green plastic turtle sandbox). You feel safe in there because you have creative freedom to build whatever you want. And as you’re building your sandcastle someone steps into the sandbox and ruins a portion of your castle.
But… you don’t say anything. You just start building again, even though your feelings are hurt.
Through therapy I’ve learned to live my life in a sandbox. I have very strict rules to get into my sandbox and I don’t just let people stomp in whenever they want. Those sandbox walls are there for a reason.
I know what it is that I’m building and I don’t just let anybody in. And if someone is asking me to step outside of my sandbox to do something that isn’t conducive to what I’m building inside my sandbox, then I’m going to respectfully pass on the opportunity.
Boundaries have greatly elevated my self worth.
2. Stop being a ‘yes’ person
This ties into the previous point of boundaries, but it’s something I’ve learned the hard way and am still actively working on.
Let’s go back to the sandbox, but this time we’re in a huge sandbox with lots of other kids playing and building their own sandcastles.
A few kids ask us to help them build their castles, so we do. But we really want to build one on our own because we want ours to look a certain way.
And now that we’ve helped three other kids build their sandcastles, we’re too tired to work on ours. If I would’ve said ‘no’ to those kids, my sandcastle would be done.
Boundaries and being a “yes” person go hand-in-hand. I’ve really learned to question why I’m doing something but also stopped taking on opportunities that aren’t going to benefit me or I get no satisfaction out of.
Saying yes to everything burned me out, and I had no energy to build my own sandcastle.
3. Communication
This is a big one. Probably the biggest one of all five.
In the past, I’ve based my responses on what I think people want to hear. Sometimes this would be a vague or confusing answer, or it would be an answer that would ultimately affect me. I would provide answers that I thought would avoid conflict. While they often did avoid a conflict in that conversation, it would cause conflict with myself internally — or later on.
I was always thinking two or three steps ahead and answer for the future, not right now or how it made me feel.
For example, my partner would do or say something that didn’t sit well with me. Instead of bringing that up, I would bury it and “not let it get to me” (even though it did).
This isn’t a healthy way of communication.
But I had no idea that it was such a heavy weight on me. These conflicts I was avoiding in conversation with my partner, friends, and family ultimately built up into a bunch of internal conflicts, thus elevating my anxiety to unmanageable and unhealthy heights.
Over the years, these little things built into the bigger things in my everyday life and caused major frustration and for me to operate at 99% at all times. One small mishap in my day, and I would lose control, just as I mentioned early.
It was horrible.
Now I’ve learned to validate and communicate my feelings. How I feel is valid and deserves to be respected. I know my worth. I know what I want. I know how certain things make me feel. If someone says something to me that hurts, then I’m going to tell them.
I’ve learned to finally stand up for myself.
And it feels so damn good.
4. Breathing
When I reach moments of high anxiety and frustration, I’ve learned how important it is to breathe during these moments.
I take deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth. I repeat for one minute. Deep breathing increases oxygen to the brain and releases endorphins, which have a natural calming effect.
Deep breathing is still something I’m building into my routine, so it’s why I wear my Apple Watch. Those annoying breathe notifications actually come in handy for me. Otherwise I forget to deep breathe a few times throughout the day.
I’ve noticed that it certainly does help in those high stress moments. It helps bring back my perspective. Everything will be just fine.
There are a lot of other benefits to deep breathing.
5. Self-awareness
Similar to how I’ve learned to communicate what I want and how I feel, I’ve become self-aware.
I’ve learned to recognize what moments and pursuits in my life give me anxiety. Some of these pursuits are not avoidable, so I use the aforementioned tactics to help keep me calm: boundaries, don’t be a “yes” person, communication, and my breathing techniques.
When I feel my anxiety creeping up on me, I catch it and stop it. Sometimes I walk away. Sometimes I just do one minute of deep breathing. It depends on the scenario.
I picture my anxiety to be my cat (bear with me here). Sometimes he curls back and wiggles his butt before he pounces. When I don’t see him do it and he jumps on me, I get surprised. But when I watch him curl up and then wiggle his butt, I can react before he pounces.
I’ve learned to catch my anxiety wiggling its butt before it pounces.
This self awareness is because I have a much clearer vision on myself and my overall health.
I’m proud of myself. Taking care of myself and putting me first is paying off.
And it feels so damn good.
